Recent developments have led sources to believe that Garet “Hashtag” Bloodworth has officially made it. Many of you know Garet by his Instagram handle, @Garetbloodworth, which is conveniently printed on the sultry jawline of his signature-blue @cookie #G3 for the benefit of insta-savvy skydivers the world ‘round. Some might know him by his achievements as a bodyflight coach, competitor, and designer of freefall shenanigans. A select few may even know him personally for his genuinely pleasant company. However, of all the titles Garet has accrued—seven-time world record holder, lead instructor at iFly Chicago, Skydiving’s Bachelor of the Year 2019—a new role has unfolded before him, solidifying Garet’s digital superiority: Garet Bloodworth is trending.
Many critics thought Garet had peaked after he reached ten thousand followers on Instagram, after his athlete page went public, after his Shady Rays sponsorship, or even after his twenty-seventh Summerfest post of the week. Already rocking a jumpsuit with more ads per square-inch than NASCAR, would-be doubters found themselves asking, “Where could he go but down?” Some highly opinionated individuals feared the next turn of events would find our beloved all-American boy posing nude and wrapped in a pink Valkyrie for a full page advertisement in Parachutist magazine. Fear not, however, because this pinnacle of Midwestern intellect, this cultural chameleon, has once again found a way to flip the script and use his social-media spidey-senses for good by becoming, of all things, a trend-setter.
It began with the opening of flannel season, a popular midwestern holiday. Where a lesser man would have simply donned a wooly, striped button-down and set out to the forest to chop down a tree with his bare hands, Garet surprised us all by posting a selfie. #flannelseason was all she wrote. It wasn’t long before a coalition of Garet’s followers and friends found themselves imitating him uncontrollably and a slew of flannel-clad gents appeared in a long line of reposts on Garet’s story. Garet capitalized on this momentum to spread a positive message of physical health by repetitively posting videos of himself running shirtless, which were received with a similar fervor. Outspoken critics noted that all shirtless reposts came exclusively from other men. Fearing blowback for the lack of shirtless women exercising, Garet switched to a more gender-accessible movement promoting the use of stairs instead of escalators at airports, which has resulted in a much more balanced support constituency. Garet’s latest campaign exhibits him practicing self-defense and drilling with his EDC (every day carry). This movement aligns with the second amendment, which may or may not have something to do with bear arms. It seems like a positive ecological movement, but more research is necessary.
The real question behind the Bloodworth phenomenon is not the, “what?” but rather the, “how?” How did one American freeflyer gain influence over this vast culture of quasi-athletes that extends to at least thirty individuals? Some people credit his influence to his uncanny ability to keep his heels together while flying in circles around the wind tunnel. Others credit his effort and intelligence regarding the inner workings of social-media. Some believe it’s simply too easy to poke fun at his cheesy-but-effective Instagram habits. Garet couldn’t be reached for a comment, on account of us never having attempted to contact him. Regardless of the reason, it appears Garet Bloodworth may just have a future in politics.
Do you know of any Garet-isms? Tag #GaretForPresident to share.
Author’s note: This article is purely for entertainment.